It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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