ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
