is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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