So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
