If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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