I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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