i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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