Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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