he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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