I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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