We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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