I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
