Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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