Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
