how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
