Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
