its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
