I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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