I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
