You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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