Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
