i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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