getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
