Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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