Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize