Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
