I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
