Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize