Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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