Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
