a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My friends, they love my intelligence
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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