I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
