I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
