I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
40s are totally the cure
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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