I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize