You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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