Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
