Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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