i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
