yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
