We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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