You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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