Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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