everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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