3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
