I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
