i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
