Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
