My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
