Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
