Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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