I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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