You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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