My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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