About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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