Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I will pee on everything he values.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
