So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
